Tuesday 10 november 2009
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This isn't even close to being everything that happened on this trip. But it does show that we went through the craziest places, and that I make the most random connections to Klay's Krew. Oh, it
also shows that I have too much time on my hands. And these places actually exist, spelled the same way. And IKEA is pretty much the coolest place, and I really want to get lots of money, go back,
and buy more stuff for my room.A summary of my vacation. All people and places described are real. Members of the popular musical touring group Klays Krew have been spotted recently on one of our
reporters' trip to eastern Ohio, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania. In Canton, Ohio, Clay Aikens former hairstylist John 'John D.' Dahlstrom was spotted working at the childrens salon "Kuts 4 Kids".
Dahlstrom would not comment for this reporter, but Canton residents believe he started working at the salon after Aiken fired him for not "making his hair look more gay than he actually is".
Small-town Minerva, Ohio proved to be the current location for many other Klay's Krew members. Sitting in front of the "Kountry Korner" store in downtown Minerva were Angela 'Angelo' Fisher, Quiana
'Not Cool Enough For A Nickname' Parler, Jacob 'Jaycub' Luttrell, and Gregory 'Greg' Ellis. Fisher and Parler are backup singers for Aiken; Luttrell a disgruntled former back up singer; and Ellis
was involved in Aikens Joyful Noise 'Snoreful Noise' Tour in 2005. All four were wearing denim overalls with nothing else on underneath. A witness described the scene as "a modern day Hee-Haw,
instead with Klays Krew. When I saw the name of the store, I knew immediately we would see some Gems from Klays Krew," she said. Later on in Minerva, more members of Klay's Krew were spotted.
Aikens bodyguard Jerome 'JemJem' Bell and Ethel, a terminally insane frequenter of Aikens concerts, were seen by witnesses at the "Kountry Krafts" store. Bell is known for making beautiful gem
bracelets, which were used to tie Ethel up in the corner of the store, because a straight jacket was unavailable. Later, in a section of West Virginia passed through before heading to Pennsylvania,
Aikens publicist Roger 'Think Luscious Hair' Widynowski was trying to sell a used Volvo to Nick 'Mr. Slave' Leisey, Aikens assistant and/or slave, at "Kelly Kars". Neither Widynowski nor Leisey
could be reached for comment, but Leisey did not buy the car, because "it looked someone's hair gel leaked on the interior, and that a cat had been run over by its previous owner. Also, the
interior is an ugly mix of terrible vertical striping and plaid".The final Klay's Krew member was spotted in Pennsylvania. Mary 'Mary Loves Meatballs' Brennan, Aikens tour manager, was spotted at
the IKEA store in Pittsburgh. As her nickname says, Brennan loves meatballs, and was at the IKEA store because they were having a sale on Swedish meatballs, and were offering a $1.99 meatball kids
meal in their restaurant. When reached for comment, Brennan simply demanded that we go to the counter and order her more meatballs. Questions remain, however. Why were these members all separated?
Why werent they with Clay? Another Klays Krew member, Aikens 8th grade Math teacher, gave us the answers. "Klays Krew had to take a bit of a break. We were recording our album "The Ultimate
Kollection", and sadly, tensions were high. JemJem did not agree with the values that were being taught in our song "Never Gonna Give You Up (Page Curl)", and could not keep his comments about the
song PG. He stormed off, and Jaycub followed, because he was mad about a studio rule. Roger would not stop bashing JemJem and Jaycub, and everyone got in an argument. John D. and Jaycub were
deleted, as was Angelos mom. We decided mutually to take a break, to regroup, and wait until Clay released his album in 2053. The Math teacher asked that we not reveal her current location, but did
explain the story behind Aiken's lack of visibility. "Clay is really stressed out. The pressure of recording those 3 songs for his new album caused him to have a nervous breakdown, eat Mexican
food, and have an identity crisis; he now believes that he is a member of the Click Five as you can see by his hair," she said. Aiken was spotted at the Stanley Cup finals Wednesday night as well,
to which the teacher responds, "its just another way for him to put off giving the fans any news about the album"."JemJem" Bell wearing one of his signature gem bracelets, made at the Kountry
Krafts store in Minerva.I told you I need a life. I'll explain everything about the trip later.Anderson is going to be on TDS the 21st. And Esteban was on Letterman last night, making me extremely
excited for the Strangers With Candy movie, although I have no clue when it's going to actually play in Toledo.
